My grandma used to enjoy reading comic books before I was born. One day, over 15 years ago, I was in her attic and stumbled across her massive old school comic book collection. It's pretty great and if you ask her why she has all those comic books she says, "because I liked reading them".
One of the most ridiculous things I remember seeing was an issue of Superman where Lois Lane turns into a black woman. I remember it being quite progressive and quite racist at the same time. I'd forgotten about it until recently, when I decided to Google it to see if I was just remembering crazy stuff that didn't really exist. Nope, issue
#106 of Superman's Lois Lane: I am Curious (Black) does exist. It was released in November 1970.
So, here's what happened:
Lois Lane decides to take a field trip to Metropolis' "Little Africa" neighborhood. It's called that because, contrary to popular belief, Africa is both a country and a continent (like Australia), so all people from Africa all live together in the same part of town when they come to America. Also, black people born in America and elsewhere also live in this neighborhood. You might be familiar with the Little Africa neighborhood in New York. It's right next to Everywhere.
So, dressed like the Orbit gum lady, she hails a cab from a friendly white cabbie who talks in a cockney voice (I can't be sure but I have a strong suspicion) and says, "take me to the black people!" and he's like, "Okay, gub'na!"
When Lois arrives in what the comic now refers to as "Metropolis' Black Community", she rudely interrupts a group of kids who are engrossed in a conversation about how much Richard Nixon sucks or how awesome the Jackson 5 is. Lois wants to know about school and stuff. Sensing that this woman probably voted for Nixon and heeding their parents warning not to talk to strangers or the press, the kids turn their back on her.
Lois was like, "Oh no they did not!" and decides that she'll probably be more successful if she ventures into the projects and looks for an adult. The comic calls it a "slum tenement" but honestly, it looks nicer than the apartment buildings my friends all live in. No one wanted to talk to her there either.
Feeling sad and rejected, Lois goes to the local black diner to ponder what she should do about black people not liking her. Also pondering things at this diner is
Bulletproof from the 80s cartoon C.O.P.S. She leaves the diner and "wandering the street like a homeless ghost" (seriously, that's what it says), she stumbles upon an Old Black Lady waiting for the bus. Old Black Ladies are the best. I know this because my grandma is an Old Black Lady and she's the best. The Old Black Lady says "Nice to have the sun shinin' on your face!" and Lois responds with, "Hi, I'm Lois Lane, I'm a reporter...". The Old Black Lady is like, "seriously?" and up and leaves. Oh, also, the Old Black Lady is blind.
Here we learn that Lois Lane might not be neurotypical and that her inability have a normal conversation might truly be the problem. Lois realizes this too and decides that behavior modification might help and then after practicing talking to people like neurotypical people do, she goes into the black neighborhood a few weeks later and gets her story. The end.
Just kidding, that would make too much sense.
Instead, Lois Lane realizes that, not only does she look white ('cause, you know, she is) but she
sounds white too. Then she mutters, "fuck my life" and strolls down the street where she happens upon Al Sharpton running the weekly Black People Meeting on a street corner. Al is in the middle of reprimanding Tyrone for inappropriately raising a point of personal privilege in order to suspend debate while he went to finish a dice game, when he spots Lois Lane out of the corner of his eye. Al then points out that she's white and is apt to do the stuff that we all know white people do.
Cut to Lois Lane looking all sad and white on a park bench. All of a sudden, Superman appears. It turns out he was in the area because, let's be honest, there's always some shit going on in that part of town. Also, because he had to finish his dice game with Tyrone. Lois complains that black people don't like her and asks if Superman has any ideas for making black friends. He does.
Superman happens to have a machine that can turn white people into black people for just a day. That's right, Superman has a spray tanning machine in his house or lair or whatever. He also does weaves.
Lois goes outside to catch a cab and it starts to rain. Of course this is the worst thing that can happen to a black woman who just got her hair did and Lois reacts appropriately. Fortunately, Benny the cab driver has just finished afternoon tea and is making his way toward Lois. Too bad he keeps going. Realizing what just happened, Lois says, "Benny gave me the first lesson in the meaning of black". Then she goes back inside to write her story about being black. Just kidding!
Instead, Lois has to take the subway with a bunch of white people who have staring problems. After making her way to the Africatown (population: 1 more black person [but only for a day]), she wanders into an apartment building where someone has set a recycled newspaper bin on fire. Lois puts out the fire and ends up being laughed at by a friendly black woman who can't believe that no one has told the building's porter to collect the recycling. The woman invites Lois in for coffee and then asks if she's a bill collector.
They laugh about poor credit and then the woman hears her daughter yelling and says "It's the baby! Her 'playmate' is visiting her!" and runs outside with a broom and shoos a giant rat away. I assumed anyone living in New York City, even rich white people, had a rat as a playmate growing up. I can't be the only person who has ever seen the movie
Stuart Little.
Later, while walking around Blackville, USA, Lois Lane walks by a back alley, afro-centric charter school. Clearly prepping for the state academic standards tests, the teacher makes them say "black is beautiful" over and over again and then asks them follow up questions like, "You are black. What is Black?" (answer: beautiful!) All of a sudden, a random dude tries to work his game on her. He thinks he's seen her before. Lois looks into his dreamy eyes and decides that she's completely okay with going black and never going back. Just then, the man notices that some neighborhood rascals are up to no good and says he's got to go investigate. Lois wants to come along as well but he doesn't want a woman tagging a long. Lois says that she's a reporter and he's like, "Okay, whatever."
In the alley, they see that the kids were bringing stolen items to the neighborhood pimps White Chocolate and Black Ice so that they could...I don't know, it was a recession, I assume pimps were hurting as well. Lois' new black friend yells out "This is why we can't have nice things" and then gets shot by the pimps. Superman, who was in the area for his weekly game of spades and gossip, hears the commotion and excuses himself. Rolling his eyes, he explains, "I think I just heard someone get a cap busted in their ass." He shows up and melts the pimps guns.
Cut to Lois Lane donating blood to her new black friend in the hospital. He wakes up and sees that his new lady friend is there and he's happy because he definitely is going to tap that later tonight. Or not.
30 minutes later, Lois Lane is visiting with Superman in a hospital waiting room and, being an annoying woman, says: "Look me in the eye! And tell me the truth! Do you love me? Suppose I couldn't change back? Would you marry me? Even if I'm black? An outsider in a white man's word?" Then Superman was like, "Seriously? Bitch, do you remember who turned you into a black woman? This guy." Shaking his head he mumbles to himself, "white bitches be crazy". No, he didn't say that. Instead, he pointed out that she's still his boo and that he's from Krypton, so he's not even a Real 'Merican. Then they get into an argument about marriage that has nothing to do with race when, suddenly, Lois turns white again.
The nurse comes in to announce that the new black friend wants to see Lois, then the nurse sees Superman standing there talking to a random white lady and is like, "What the f..." and Lois says, "It's cool, it's just me, Lois." I guess the nurse finds this explanation acceptable. Lois then frets over what her new black friend will think now that she's white. Superman convinces her that not all black people hate all white people and then, on the final page, this happens:
Superman, watch out.
If you'd like to read the entire comic yourself, you can read it
here.
So, I was telling Andrew about how crazy The Blake School (1900) is. I was telling him how my friend and I managed to freak out my friend's girlfriend when we were telling her about a little Blake tradition called Business Day. I will do my best to explain how crazy the concept of Business Day is but I highly doubt I can explain it as funnily as R2 did during his senior speech at Blake.
